Are you sick and tired of reading profiles that say things like, "I like watching movies and going to nice restaurants"? What did they leave out? That they like breathing, too?

Life on my planet might be over stimulating for some. I once ran away from home in 1st grade with a grand scheme of living in the mountains. I brought $20 of report card money (which I spent on Gatorade and beef jerky), a blanket, and my replica bow and arrow (which broke when I tried to shoot a rabbit). I made it as far as the base of the mountains but when I heard the coyotes I got scared so I called my mom from a gas station. All because I didn't finish my homework.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless loan shark. I woo women with my sensuous hands and godlike massages. My most valuable asset is my sense of humor...I mean pee your pants funny (but please don't that's gross). I'm loved by Dolphins and various other woodland creatures. I once rescued an orphaned sheep. I'm secretly in love with cheese and if she were a woman I would marry her. I would cheat on her with wine but I am pretty sure I could convince them to have a ménage à trois.

"I’m seeking a like-minded woman to share a disastrous 3-9 month relationship with, ending in acrimony, emotional chaos, and possibly legal proceedings. I am looking for an attractive female who will at first give me obsessive love, praise and devotion - but whose paranoia, self-loathing and fear of rejection and abandonment will eventually lead her to alternately push me away and pull me closer in a love/hate cycle that will lead to infidelity, consensual sexual violence, and the eventual emotional breakdown of one or other party - or if we’re lucky - both!"