(...The above is a joke. I do have a job. Lighten up, people! Geesh.)


On Myself

How to advertise me? That is tough. I know myself best, but it's hard to talk about. Here's what others have said: Entertainment Weekly wrote, "Very nice, with gentlemanly qualities." Gentlemen's Quarterly asked, "He thinks he's funny, but is he?" And Time magazine noted, "He enjoys passion and romance with the right one."

What makes me a geek? Geeks like what they like without regard to how accepted it is. I am my own man; I play by my own rules. I don't derive my sense of self-worth from having others' approval.

In school, I was voted Most Likely to Become A Mental Patient, Hillbilly, Hobo or Carnival Worker. I'm studying to become an actuary. I have a really bad short-term memory. I get lost in music. Like the Cliff-Burton-Metallica symphonies that are going in my head 17 hours a day. Amazing, complex, aggressive, repetitive structures that get right to the base anger. I am employed, my credit score is high, I have a really bad short-term memory, and I don't live in a refrigerator box under the El tracks.

I lead a simple, wholesome life. My parents have been married for 36 years. I never go to bars/nightclubs to pick up women. I'm the most ridiculously honest person in the world. The G-rated stuff in life is better. I prefer quality over quantity. I'm open-minded and optimistic. I want to have been born at about 1890. Times were better then. So were people. Ethics, honesty and integrity are important to me. I'll feed you dark chocolate during sex. I've never been incarcerated. I don't drink away my nights and weekends in bars. I won't look you up on the Internet. I won't ask you creepy questions. And I won't drone on and on about Fantasy Sports, Guitar Hero or the aliens I thought I saw.

I smell good. Women have described me as confident, charming and big-hearted. I'm still of the crazy idea that we should get to having at least some feelings for one another before we make each other's hair messy.

I'm wise enough to know that women get better as they age. I'm not a serial dater or a player; I'm actually wanting to become a part of someone's life. I desire women for who they are, and not solely for their beautiful, soft, sweet, smooth, curvy, sexy, warm, luscious, wonderful, delicious bodies.

I'm pretty selective about who I let into my life, but once I find someone worthwhile, you can pretty much talk me into anything. You get points for being sweet and kind, for smiling a lot, and for not having seventeen cats.


On Who I'm Looking For

Soft. Sweet. Warm. Feminine. Caring. I don't like "hot." I like cute. Someone mature, intelligent, confident. There is an inner warmth and depth to you, that few others see. Someone who does not use her sexuality to gain things from men. It's a real turn-off for me. Someone to go to Ravinia with next summer. Someone who can be personally offended by broad social trends. Someone who's easy to talk to. Someone who I'm always happy to see. We can fill in the missing colors in each other's paint-by-number dreams.

I want to meet the girl in the U2 songs.

So if you don't live in the suburbs or with your parents, if you won't ask me to meet them as our second date, if you don't have fourteen tattoos, and if you're not fat enough to have your own gravitational pull, give me a chance.


"...now if i seem to be afraid, to live the life that i have made in song, well it's just that i've been losing... sooo long."


Thank you for taking the time to read my Profile. I know you all want the Alpha Male. The Chad. But, I just can't be that. Sorry. And good luck in your quest.

I have a bright future ahead of me. The best days are ahead. What an adventure this coming Winter in Chicago will be! Care to join me on this journey?

The Fairy Tale: I'll take you out on my boat. We'll watch the sun set over the Chicago skyline, and share a bottle of wine under the stars.

OK, so although I could get a boat to take you out on, I would be hunted down like a dog and it would be repossessed.


Option One: We'll meet for a leisurely stroll along the boulevards, and then drop into some quiet little place for a drink or two.

Going to the hospital and reading stories to sick children? Cruising Lake Shore Drive in a convertible on the first warm day of Spring? SummerDance? The Lincoln Park Zoo? This week's street festival? Flipping over wheelbarrows in case it rains?

Walk your dog? Go to the grocery store for ice cream?

Juicy Wine Company.

We could go to the airport and leave a bag unattended. Hilarity would ensue.

I'll pick up some subtle hint you have given. I'll come up with some creative, exciting activity based around that. I'm pretty good at this. Failing that, we'll head to one of the more upscale restaurants (Subway, Burger King, etc.).

I can promise that our date will involve neither you being asked about the color of your underwear, nor me being shoved into the back of a police car.


Option Two: How about walking some homeless dogs at the animal shelter? This is actually a really fun get-to-know-each-other date. I'm sure to get along well with any other dog lover. Dogs make everything better.