I am slightly overweight so if you want a twig go find a tree!!

Here are a few things to think about:

Can you cry under water?
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
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What disease did cured ham actually have?
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
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One last thought.
Amateurs ......built the Ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic.


Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to
put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?


CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car get tired.
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
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Blonde walks into a computer shop looking for curtains for her pc.
Assistant says you don’t need curtains for a computer!
Blonde says
"Helloooooooo! Ive got windows"


My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

What I want most is a man who wants me for my mind not my body, but plays with my body not my mind lol The kind of man who doesn't want to make love to a thousand different women, but wants to make love to the same woman a thousand different ways. Ahhhh isn’t that a wonderful dream!

What to do on a first date.......hmmmm.... those of you who want to handglide, jump from planes or climb a mountain just go for it, i'll be the one in the pub.

Yes i like a drink, yes i like to dance and yes i can eat a meal but i can do that without you so suggest somthing a little out of the ordinary. Oh and those who want to go for a coffee ......TAKE YOUR MUM OUT......