The name WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot was taken? Really? Dammit... I'm supposed to make this longer... Stall...stall... Is that long enough? Nope? Dammit... I say dammit a lot... When can I delete this? Huh? Never? Who made that rule?

I've read profiles where women say they want a "powerful man". What exactly does that mean? I'm powerful in my job, and I'm pretty sure I could lift a car off someone if I were having a good adrenaline day, but that's about it. The problem is that "powerful" is often the base alloy of "controlling jerks". And, actually, that's what some women really want, even though they won't admit it. I've seen it upclose and first-hand. Then after they break up I hear "he was so controlling!" Really? Who could have seen that coming?! We teach people how to treat us. The next one of my friends who tells me her ex was controlling, I'm going to punch her square in the face...

But, sadly, I've spent the last three years consciously trying to strip away my ego. Don't ask me to bring it back just so you don't have to make a decision. I can barely control my own life, so don't ask me to control yours, okay pumpkin? I want a partner, not a project or a pet.

I guess that means I'm low maintenance and down-to-earth. (I've been told I am, anyway. Mom always says the nicest things.) I could have fun at an insurance seminar. I could have fun at a kids playground in Chernobyl. I could have fun at ... well, you get the point.

Let's try it this way. Me: the aforementioned low maintenance, easy going, funny, passionate, intelligent.

You: A 40ish widow of a billionaire, former swimsuit model who owns a golf course with a liquor store on it. Oh, WHY are you so hard to find?!

P.S. I'm not really a shepherd.

P.P.S. I've received countless emails since writing this profile, and 99% of you get the jokes. Thanks for laughing with me. For those of you who didn't get the humor, who think I would actually punch a woman "square in the face," let me set the record straight: It's just a joke. Okay? Now turn that frown upside down and get out there and play with the other kids...

Depends... Everything depends, right?